Days in the Life of an SAO Western
by Liuid
Summary: A Collection of short stories that are all pure meme. Still contains good writing. Would recommend 5/7
1. SAO Western

**Utter garbage and I'm high AF, don't even bother reading this. It's literally garbage. Go away, I'm doing this for my own benefit and because I'm bored and can't play video games because my parents are home.**

 **Seriously, why are you still reading. Just leave.**

…

 **Fine. But you asked for it**

 **BTW: This is AU. SAO has never happened. They all live in the U.S. Deal with it. And it's like, a Western. You know those movies? Yeah.**

* * *

"Why is it so fucking hot today," Sinon groaned to Klein The two were sitting inside the sheriff's office, with numerous newspaper articles posted along the wooden walls. On them were numerous photos of the red-haired man, grinning, the light somehow able to catch that annoying sparkle along the teeth, and Sinon could have sworn she heard the _ding_ sound that often accompanied it. Honestly. He looked like he was from a commercial for toothpaste or something.

 _Sheriff Saves the Day!_ one read. Oh right. Apparently this guy was a sheriff.

Klein's voice drawled out in a heavy Southern accent. "Dahling, it's only 90 degrees outside," he said, adjusting the metal star on his shirt. "And it's only ten in the mornin! Just you wait. Afternoon's gonna kill you!" He let out a laugh.

"I don't know how you Southerners stand it," Sinon muttered, fingering her heavy scarf uncomfortably. Still though, she kept it on.

"HA!" Klein cried. "This is cold for us here in Gutshot, Texas. Ya'll'll never last in the summer. Ya better get used to it quick, cause yer mom tells me yer gonna be here for a year!" Sinon hated it when Klein was right. She had only met him yesterday, but was starting to hate him more and more.

"But I'm supposed to be the ice-cold sniper!" moaned Sinon, casting her hands up in frustration. "How am I supposed to be a main protagonist if I don't even have a fixed characterization!"

Klein chuckled, apparently taking delight in her misery. "Well, that's fer ya to figure out! I'm a side character who doesn't actually do anything, so I'm just gonna remain oblivious to your struggles!" he said cheerfully, holstering his pistol, and ignoring Sinon's pitiful wails.

Sinon honestly wasn't sure how she was supposed to maintain her cold persona when the weather was just so… _hot._ Despite the heat, she shivered.

"You know, Sinon," Klein said, halfway to the door. "If ya'll're so hot, ya'll should take off that scarf."

Sinon tells him, "Klein, man's not hot…

"Holy shit that actually worked! Man's not hot anymore!"

Klein looked at her, utterly befuddled. "Wait, weren't ya'll just complaining about how hot you were?" he asked, incredulous.

Sinon lowered her voice and leaned close to him and said in a sexy voice, "Babe, man can neva be hot."

"Wha-How are you not hot? How-?" Klein cried, unable to finish his sentence.

Sinon smiled smugly at him, taking a bottle and spraying it at him. "Perspiration ting!" she cried. "Lynx effect!"

Klein was at a severe loss for words, but before he could find them again, there was a distinct sound of a rumble, growing louder and louder, almost like a steam engine, but far more loud and grating. It was an obnoxiously loud engine, one of those ones that went VROOOOOOM! almost like a racecar, but the others weren't aware of this. Cars hadn't been invented yet, after all.

 **At this point, I don't feel like writing Klein's accent, but it's there. Just imagine it in your head or something.**

A sleek, yellow car pulled up to the sheriff's office, stopping with a screech of it's tires. An edgy man who you just know is the main protagonist stepped out, wearing sunglasses and a black trench coat.

But the people didn't know what a trench coat was yet. After all, Men in Black was made in 1997, and this happened more than 200 years before.

Whispers broke out among the people standing outside. After all, this was the 1700s. People always started whispering when they saw a car. It was a way of life. That way, they could add more suspense to the scene.

The man in black surveyed the surroundings dramatically before addressing the awestruck audience.

"Aw yeah!" he said in an incredibly high pitched screech that made everyone cover their ears in pain. "Anachronisms are just my favorite!"

Sinon and Klein watches with wide eyes at the doorframe of the office.

"Did you see that?" Sinon whispered, almost to herself. "That ting went…"

"SKRRRRRRRRRT!" Kirito finished, nodding. Then, he composed himself and stepped forward.

"Hey!" shouted Klein, suddenly, to the mysterious intruder. "Mind explaining yourself? One of the rules of our small town is that you're not allowed to have things from the future! Everyday man's on the block, but this is the first time I've seen whatever that thing is!"

The edgy man intended to raise one eyebrow, but raised two by accident.

"Agh, sorry man. Haven't mastered the Ninjitsu, Art of Unus Eyebrow Raising yet," he said sheepishly, forcing everyone to cover their ears again at his obnoxiously high pitched voice.

"It's Taijutsu, you idiot!" screamed Sinon, extremely offended that the man hadn't memorized every last bit of that show. "It's physical you know!"

"Ah, I'm sorry," said the man, rubbing the back of his head in shame.

"You're an idiot!" she screamed, walking up to him and punching him in the jaw and knocked him to the ground. He lay there motionless.

"How dare you sleep right now!" Sinon scolded him in a rough voice. "You should be working hard like everyone else who went into the dungeon!"

At this point in time, hackers managed to steal the narrator's private information due to Facebook's security issues, and they leaked that the man in black was named Kirito. On the other hand, the narrator was partially relieved that he no longer needed to introduce him.

Kirito looked up at Sinon in confusion. "Uh."

Suddenly, Sinon began to blush madly. "Oh my god Kirito, I think I've fallen madly in love with you for no particular reason other than your pure edginess and confusion! But I can't let you know yet, because who knows what might happen! You might be taken already, be my cousin, be way older than me… But I still love you in secret!"

Kirito glanced around. "What did you say, Sinon? It's too loud I can't hear you! The wind is blowing too hard!"he shouted, the galls buffeting his voice.

"Oh nothing!" Sinon sang, able to hear Kirito perfectly fine. "There just happens to be a one way mirror between us, but instead of it having to do with sight, it has to do with listening!"

"WHAT?" Kirito said again. "I CAN'T HEAR!"

Sinon's face turned red as she rushed over to hug Kirito, who still lay on the ground. "You almost died!" she cried, her face buried in his shoulder.

Suddenly, Klein cleared his throat. Sinon's face remained buried in Kirito's shoulder while Klein spoke.

"Uh, Kirito, you are violating rule 420, which states that no man can have things from the future," Klein said.

Kirito adopted a face of confusion. "Uh, who made that rule? Seems like they were smoking trees."

Klein leaned in closely, cupped a hand around Kirito's ear, and whispered so that the rest the audience could hear what he was about to say loud and clear. The wind seemed to have died down as well, so Kirito's sense of hearing returned.

"Between you, me, and Sinon," Klein whispered loudly, "This town is really conservative, so any new tech freaks them out. But," he said, stepping back and resuming his normal volume, "you simply cannot have that here!"

Kirito didn't seem fazed. "Do you know what this is? It's a Mustang."

Whispers of "Flame Alchemist" and "EdRoy" drifted around. Kirito facepalmed, accidentally crushing his sunglasses and revealing his flawless face. The sight of this caused Sinon, who was still clutched against his shoulder, to faint from excitement.

"But that doesn't look like a horse, or Roy!" a member of the crowd shouted. "It looks weird!"

"HE'S A WITCH!" someone else screamed out. A moment of silence followed. Then…

"BURN HIM! BURN HIM!" shouts rang out, the whole crowd frenzied. "PUT HIM IN THE MUSTANG SO ROY CAN BURN HIM!"

"WAIT THAT ISN'T ROY THOUGH!"

"BUT THEN WHAT IS IT?"

Another moment of silence followed.

"A WITCH! BURN MUSTANG AND KIRITO!"

There was so much shouting and chaos that Kirito could hardly hear (again). Suddenly, a voice rang out from all the rest. "Enough!" someone said, and the crowd instantly fell quiet.

It was a man wearing a black cloak and a facemask, so that only red eyes could be seen. No one regarded him differently despite his apparel though. People in this community were very close knit and accepting, despite being conservative.

No way were they going to let appearances stop them from loving each and every member of their town like their own family. Especially not an appearance that was especially badass and edgy.

"Now, he is a guy so clearly he can't be a witch!" he said. The members around him stared at him, then nodded at his wisdom.

"Now hold on a second!" cried out a furious Kirito. "Are you assuming my gender? Just because I dress like someone straight out of the Terminator, or just because I sound like a guy in puberty, or just because I drive a Mustang, or just because I have short hair, or just because I'm edgy, does that make me a guy, hmm? This is the 21rst century (Fox)! I am insulted!"

"Actually," Klein said, coughing. "It's the 18th century. Uh, you're a bit ahead of your time."

"Oh," was all Kirito could manage.

"Aaaaanyways," Klein said. "Why don't you tell us why you're here?"

"Heh," Kirito said, blushing. "I actually got lost. I was trying to get to Gravity Falls, and was wondering, do any of you know da wae?"

"Alright that's it," hissed Red-Eyed XaXa, stepping forward menacingly. "I was planning on letting you go scot free, because I'm merely a side villain who wasn't introduced until Season 3, and I'm hardly important enough to warrant a whole series. But," he continued, "You just went too far."

XaXa stepped onto the speaker's platform, towering over Kirito, causing the main protagonist to shrink back. "That dead meme was meant to forever remain dead. But you've just unburied it, so I WILL BURY YOU!"

Kirito smirked. "How are you going to defeat me?" he asked insolently, pulling out a revolved. Suddenly, in the blink of an eye, he pulled out ANOTHER revolver.

The crowd gasped in shock.

"Dual wielding!" he proclaimed triumphantly. "Now how do you plan on winning?"

"Fool!" XaXa hissed, "Don't you know that in The Art of War, it states that the battle is over before it begins?"

Kirito looked at him in desperation. "NO PLEASE I'M GETTING PTSD FROM ENGLISH CLASS! DON'T MAKE ME ANALYZE ANY MORE METAPHORS!"

XaXa facepalmed. "Ow. My facemask," he muttered as it banged against his face. Then he sighed towards Kirito. "It means that whoever chooses the optimal battleground to favor them wins," he explained.

Kirito looked up at him, standing on the speaker's platform, in confusion. "And you've won because…?"

"You fool!" XaXa hissed a third time. "Anakin! I have the high ground!"

"Aw shit," Kirito said. "Looks like to win this, I'll need…"

"What?" XaXa cried impatiently. "What do you mean?"

"When you nod your head yes, but you wanna say no," finished Kirito. "That' right!" he shouted triumphantly, "I needed a song and baited you right in!"

"NO!" XaXa screamed. "NOT THE SONG!" Whimpering, he melted into a black puddle as Kirito began rattling off Justin Bieber and Magic songs.

The puddle was no more once Kirito had finished "Why you gotta be so roooooooood? Yeah yeah."

Protagonist power baby.

* * *

 **Why are you still here. You should've stopped. I WARNED YOU! But yeah, there will be more chapters. Why not.**


	2. Asuna Likes it Rough

**So I've decided that instead of maintaining a plot for this story, it'll just be a collection of independent stories, kind of like Saiki Kusuo no Psi-nan, if you've ever seen that show. The stories might or might not be from the Western SAO universe.**

 **Yeah, I'm managing two different stories (some not on this account) and starting a new one as well. And I have SAT Math inc, and my grades are atrocious. Naturally, I'm going to write some shitpost and call it a day**

Chapter 2.1: Asuna likes it rough

"Oh Kirito! Ohhhhh!" Asuna moaned loudly, closing her eyes and letting her primal instincts take over. She let her entire body succumb to the vibrations, whimpering as euphoria and pure bliss washed over her. She was powerless, forced to rock along with the powerful pulses, yet she enjoyed the strange feeling more than anything else in the world. Her mind began to go blank, overwhelmed with pure pleasure.

The rocking grew more intense, faster and faster and faster! "Kirito!" she cried again, a chorus of moaning accompanying her. "Your going too hard! Please stop it!"

"Sorry Asuna," came Kirito's reply. "But I can't stop it!"

Asuna felt herself bounced up and down on something very soft, yet very firm at the same time. Sweat began to drip down her face, neck, hair, and breasts. It felt too good, and she could no longer stop the steady moans escaping her mouth.

There was pleasure, but this was her first time doing such a thing. And as such, Asuna was nervous during her first time. Yet once she had begun, all those thoughts had escaped from her mind as unadulterated happiness and pleasure had taken over. No longer was she the cool, calculating woman in Sword Art Online. She had been reduced to an animal. And she loved every second of it.

Her breathing became labored and jagged, her heart rate increased. Asuna could feel the tension build, just as the tension in her muscles all began to disappear. But without a doubt, Asuna knew that the climax was arriving. And Kirito felt it too.

"Want to get off?" Kirito gasped. "I'm just about ready too."

"Oh yes!" She moaned, louder than all the previous.

"Don't worry Asuna!" Kirito breathed heavily. "I'll help you. I promise!"

But Asuna could no longer think. Nothing remained in her mind. She didn't know who she was, who the person talking to her was, where she was, how she had gotten there. All she wanted to do was remain like this forever.

Then a voice broke through her thoughts. "I'm coming Asuna! Just hold on one second! I'm comiiiiiiiiiing!"

And then the pulses stopped. Asuna felt her heart rate return to normal, beating heavily against her chest. Hands clutched on her shoulders.

Asuna opened her eyes to find Kirito staring at her, smiling.

"Sorry about that," said the salesman. "The Massage Chair 9001 is a little too powerful for its own good, and it's pretty hard to operate. If your friend here hadn't ran all the way over and asked me to shut it off, I doubt you would have been able to manage it."

Asuna only smiled. "Don't worry about it! I loved it!" She turned to Kirito. "Can we buy it? I want to experience that for the rest of my life!"

 **Shopping for massage chairs is fun.**

 **What? What did you say? I couldn't hear you. Get your mind out of the gutter kiddo.**


End file.
